What to Expect While Grieving

Sarah E. Titman, MSW

Instructor

Department of Social Work

Winthrop University

139 Bancroft Hall

Rock Hill, SC 29733

Titmans@winthrop.edu

(803)323-3384


Many people ask what to expect or what is normal when they are grieving. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve; it is a very personal experience. Enclosed in the following packet are some educational materials about grief including:


  • Grief Symptoms


  • Self-Care Tips


  • Journaling Suggestions


  • Tips for Family and Friends


  • Suggested Readings



 Loss, Grief and Bereavement


Helpful Definitions:


  • Loss- can be a person, place or thing
  • Grief- emotional response to a loss
  • Mourning- the outward expression of a loss
  • Bereavement- the reaction of the survivor to the death of a family member of close friend


Reactions to grief may include:


  • Physical: Headaches, fatigue, shortness of  breath, dry mouth, dizziness, pounding heart, heaviness of the body, sensitive skin, increased illness, tightness in chest, tightness in throat, muscle weakness, and stomach ache


  • Behavioral:    Sleeplessness, loss of appetite, crying, nightmares, dreams of loved one, sighing, listlessness, absent-mindedness, clinging, over activity, social withdrawal, verbal attacks, fighting, extreme quietness


  • Emotional:      Anger, guilt, sadness, helplessness, depression, hysteria, relief, rage, fear, loneliness, anxiety, intense feelings, feeling unreal, mood swings, disbelief, confusion, low self -esteem, self-destructive thoughts, inability to concentrate, difficulty in decision making



Making an appointment with an MD for your own physical following the death of a loved one is highly encouraged.



Self-Care Tips While Grieving


  • Don’t set a timetable for your grief. There is no timeline for grief- you will always miss your loved one- it will not always be this intense though.


  • No one grieves exactly the same way. Do not listen when people say things such as- “My aunt was over the loss of her husband a year later- you should be done grieving by now”.


  • Be easy on yourself. Grieving is hard work. Exhaustion is a common response- be sure to get extra sleep and take breaks.


  • Exercise. Physical activity is a great way to release grief. Take a walk, try yoga, join a gym.


  • Nourish your body. People tend to overeat or not eat all while grieving. Take the time to eat healthy- even when not hungry try to eat small meals.

 

  • Reach out. Even though you are the one grieving and friends and family should be reaching out to you- your grief makes them uncomfortable- call a friend and schedule some time with them.


  • Give permission. Friends and family may avoid talking about your loved one, as they fear that it will upset you. Bring up your loved one in conversation- say their name, share your memories. This allows friends and family to know that it is ok to talk about them.


  • Express your grief. Don’t try to stuff your tears, the more that you hold them in- the more intense the emotions are when they do come out. Set up an intentional “grief time.” For example, start your day off spending time looking at pictures of your loved one. People who set up an intentional grief time have reported that they are more in control of their emotions that are related to grief the remainder of the day.


  • Write it out. While grieving, many people continually replay the “would of, could of, should of’s” in their head. Write out these thoughts. Write a letter to your loved one and express what you wish you had done differently. Writing it down may help to get it out of replay in your head.

 

  • Join a support group. Contact a local hospice or church. Being a part of a support group and being with others who are grieving will validate your own grief process while giving you suggestions on how to help yourself while you are grieving. 

 

  • Make time for yourself. Caregiving is exhausting work. While caregiving you may have put yourself on the back burner. Put yourself first- make MD appointments that you have postponed, get a massage, a haircut, go to the dentist, take a mini-vacation- re-fuel your caregiving tank.

 

  • Laugh. You may read this and be saying to yourself, “How do I possibly laugh and enjoy life again after I have lost someone so important to me?”. You have to remember that your loved one would want you to enjoy the rest of your life. Many people feel guilty about enjoying life after they have lost a loved one. There are still moments to be enjoyed and your loved one would want you to enjoy them!

 

  • Ask for help. After your loved one died I am sure you heard many people say, “Call me if you need anything.” But then they never called to check in on you later. Take them up on the offer and ask for help, or to talk.

 

  • Avoid self-medicating. Although alcohol/ drugs may help to take the edge off- they can also make you more emotional and/or irrational. If you feel that you need something to take the edge off your grief, make an appointment with your MD. Some people do use prescribed sleeping aides, anti-anxiety and/ or anti-depressant medications to help them through their grief.

 

  • Do not allow yourself to be overmedicated. If you do visit your MD after the death of your loved one- remember that crying is a normal part of the grief process. You know yourself and your body, not everyone needs medication after the loss of a loved one. There is no “anti-grief” medication. Sadness is not depression. The difference is, with sadness you still feel moments of enjoyment and have hope. Depression is when you feel hopeless and have no enjoyment over a long period of time. After the loss of a loved one most people are extremely sad, not depressed, and therefore do not need medication. If you become overmedicated and do not allow yourself to express the grief, it will come out eventually- possibly years down the round.

 

  • Read a book about grief. Attached you will find a booklist about grief. Grief is a confusing experience for most people. Reading a book about another person’s grief journey may help to validate and normalize your own experience.

 

  • You are not alone. Remember that if you need to reach out that there are others grieving as well. Contact your local hospice for more information on grief counseling.



 


Guidelines for Friends and Family


Family and friends mean well but sometimes do not know how to treat you while you are grieving; here is a list of guidelines that you may want to share with them:


  • Tears are the jewels of remembrance, sad but glistening with the beauty of the past.


  • Allow the person to cry. Tears are healthy.


  • Children, allow your parents to cry and cry with them, you’ll all feel better.


  • Let the bereaved person talk about their loved one—you talk and say the name, too!


  • Don’t make small talk trying to cheer the person.


  • Don’t tell the bereaved to smile; they may not see anything to smile about.


  • Being bereaved is not a disease, and it’s not catching.


  • Bereaved persons need to be needed and need support.


  • Don’t give advice such as “sell the house, it’s too big for you.”


  • Don’t question every move or say you should do this or that.


  • Call often, and ask if there is something you can do. (Be prepared for the request. Be available to listen often.)


  • When there is a birthday or anniversary of either the spouse or widowed, call and say you know it’s a difficult day, but you’re thinking of them. Ignoring the day only makes it worse.


  • Read about grief so you can better understand what the bereaved person is experiencing.


  • Don’t say “I know just how you feel.”


  • Don’t use platitudes like “life is for the living,” or “It’s God’s will.” It’s better to say nothing, or to simply say “I’m sorry” or “I care.”


  • Recognize that the bereaved may be angry; help them acknowledge their anger and express it in ways that are not hurtful to themselves or others.


  • Don’t say “It’s been four months, eight months, or one year, etc. You must be over it by now.” There is no timetable for grief.


  • Suggest exercise to help work off bottled tension and anger, to relax and aid sleep. Offer to join the bereaved in going for a walk, a swim or a sport.


  • Be aware of good nutrition and the lack of motivation to prepare food and ear well. Help in meal preparation, share a meal with the bereaved, or invite them out to eat.


  • Don’t avoid the bereaved. This adds to their loss.


  • Practice continuing acts of thoughtfulness to the bereaved. Take the initiative in calling them.




It Helps to Have Friends Who Will Listen……


“When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.


When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.


When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.


Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do—just hear me.


Advice is cheap; twenty cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.


And I can do for myself. I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.


When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.


But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about this business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.


And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.


Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people—because God is mute and doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.


He just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.


So please listen and just hear me.


And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn—and I’ll listen to you.”


-         Author Unknown



Journaling


Many people find journaling to be a therapeutic outlet while they are grieving; as they can write down how they are feeling, and not have their feelings judged or are given advice from others. Below are some ideas to get you started journaling.


  • My favorite memory is….
  • I will miss_________ the most….
  • I wish I had…..
  • I will honor and remember you by………
  • I’m sorry that………..
  • I’m angry that…………
  • Since you’ve been gone…………
  • I wish I had asked you………


Some people are not comfortable journaling and prefer talking out loud to their loved one- in the car, at the cemetery, to their loved one’s picture.



Suggested Reading Materials

 

Anticipatory Grief:

  • The Four Things that Matter Most, by Ira Byock

 

General:

  • How We Grieve, by Thomas Attig
  • Heaven is for Real, by Todd Burpo
  • Loving Grief, by Paul Bennett
  • Don't Take My Grief Away, by Doug Manning
  • Safe Passage, by Molly Fumia
  • Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief, by Martha WhitmoreHickman
  • Grief, Dying and Death, by Therese A. Rande
  • Living When a Loved One Has Died, by Earl Grollman
  • The Grieving Time, by Anne M. Brooks
  • The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald
  • On Grief and Grieving, by Elizabeth Kubler -Ross and David Kessler
  • The Grieving Time, by Anne M. Brooks


The Loss of a Spouse/ Significant Other:

  • When a Lifemate Dies, by Susan Heinlein
  • Suddenly Single, by Jim Smoke
  • I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can, by Linda Feinberg
  • The Widower, by Jane Burgess Kohn & Willard K. Kohn
  • Being a Widow, by Linda Caine
  • A Look in the Mirror- A Handbook for Widower, by Edward Ames

 


Loss of a Parent:

 


Children’s Grief:

  • Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids), by Michaelene Mundy
  • Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies, by Janis Silverman
  • When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death, by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
  • Where Do Balloons Go?: An Uplifting Mystery, by Jamie Lee Curtis
  • The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, by Leo Buscaglia, Ph.D.
  • Lifetimes
  • A Taste of Blackberries, by Doris Buchanan Smith
  • The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, by Judith Viorst
  • What’s Heaven, by Maria Shriver

 

Adolescent’s Grief


Children/ Adolescent Movies:

  • Disney Movies: The Lion King, Up, Bambi
  • Charlotte’s Web, My Girl