What to Expect While Grieving




Sarah E. Titman, MSW

Instructor

Department of Social Work

Winthrop University

139 Bancroft Hall

Rock Hill, SC 29733

Titmans@winthrop.edu

(803)323-3384






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Many people ask what to expect or what is normal when they are grieving. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve; it is a very personal experience. Enclosed in the following packet are some educational materials about grief including:

Grief Symptoms


Self-Care Tips


Journaling Suggestions


Tips for Family and Friends


Suggested Readings




Loss, Grief and Bereavement


Helpful Definitions:


  • Loss- can be a person, place or thing
  • Grief- emotional response to a loss
  • Mourning- the outward expression of a loss
  • Bereavement- the reaction of the survivor to the death of a family member of close friend


Reactions to grief may include:


  • Physical: Headaches, fatigue, shortness of  breath, dry mouth, dizziness, pounding heart, heaviness of the body, sensitive skin, increased illness, tightness in chest, tightness in throat, muscle weakness, and stomach ache


  • Behavioral:    Sleeplessness, loss of appetite, crying, nightmares, dreams of loved one, sighing, listlessness, absent-mindedness, clinging, over activity, social withdrawal, verbal attacks, fighting, extreme quietness


  • Emotional:      Anger, guilt, sadness, helplessness, depression, hysteria, relief, rage, fear, loneliness, anxiety, intense feelings, feeling unreal, mood swings, disbelief, confusion, low self -esteem, self-destructive thoughts, inability to concentrate, difficulty in decision making



Making an appointment with an MD for your own physical following the death of a loved one is highly encouraged.



Self-Care Tips While Grieving


  • Don’t set a timetable for your grief. There is no timeline for grief- you will always miss your loved one- it will not always be this intense though.


  • No one grieves exactly the same way. Do not listen when people say things such as- “My aunt was over the loss of her husband a year later- you should be done grieving by now”.


  • Be easy on yourself. Grieving is hard work. Exhaustion is a common response- be sure to get extra sleep and take breaks.


  • Exercise. Physical activity is a great way to release grief. Take a walk, try yoga, join a gym.


  • Nourish your body. People tend to overeat or not eat all while grieving. Take the time to eat healthy- even when not hungry try to eat small meals.


Self-Care Tips While Grieving

 

  • Reach out. Even though you are the one grieving and friends and family should be reaching out to you- your grief makes them uncomfortable- call a friend and schedule some time with them.


  • Give permission. Friends and family may avoid talking about your loved one, as they fear that it will upset you. Bring up your loved one in conversation- say their name, share your memories. This allows friends and family to know that it is ok to talk about them.


  • Express your grief. Don’t try to stuff your tears, the more that you hold them in- the more intense the emotions are when they do come out. Set up an intentional “grief time.” For example, start your day off spending time looking at pictures of your loved one. People who set up an intentional grief time have reported that they are more in control of their emotions that are related to grief the remainder of the day.


  • Write it out. While grieving, many people continually replay the “would of, could of, should of’s” in their head. Write out these thoughts. Write a letter to your loved one and express what you wish you had done differently. Writing it down may help to get it out of replay in your head.

 

  • Join a support group. Contact a local hospice or church. Being a part of a support group and being with others who are grieving will validate your own grief process while giving you suggestions on how to help yourself while you are grieving. 

 

  • Make time for yourself. Caregiving is exhausting work. While caregiving you may have put yourself on the back burner. Put yourself first- make MD appointments that you have postponed, get a massage, a haircut, go to the dentist, take a mini-vacation- re-fuel your caregiving tank.

 

  • Laugh. You may read this and be saying to yourself, “How do I possibly laugh and enjoy life again after I have lost someone so important to me?”. You have to remember that your loved one would want you to enjoy the rest of your life. Many people feel guilty about enjoying life after they have lost a loved one. There are still moments to be enjoyed and your loved one would want you to enjoy them!

 

  • Ask for help. After your loved one died I am sure you heard many people say, “Call me if you need anything.” But then they never called to check in on you later. Take them up on the offer and ask for help, or to talk.

 

  • Avoid self-medicating. Although alcohol/ drugs may help to take the edge off- they can also make you more emotional and/or irrational. If you feel that you need something to take the edge off your grief, make an appointment with your MD. Some people do use prescribed sleeping aides, anti-anxiety and/ or anti-depressant medications to help them through their grief.

 

 


 Self-Care Tips While Grieving

 

  • Do not allow yourself to be overmedicated. If you do visit your MD after the death of your loved one- remember that crying is a normal part of the grief process. You know yourself and your body, not everyone needs medication after the loss of a loved one. There is no “anti-grief” medication. Sadness is not depression. The difference is, with sadness you still feel moments of enjoyment and have hope. Depression is when you feel hopeless and have no enjoyment over a long period of time. After the loss of a loved one most people are extremely sad, not depressed, and therefore do not need medication. If you become overmedicated and do not allow yourself to express the grief, it will come out eventually- possibly years down the round.

 

  • Read a book about grief. Attached you will find a booklist about grief. Grief is a confusing experience for most people. Reading a book about another person’s grief journey may help to validate and normalize your own experience.

 

  • You are not alone. Remember that if you need to reach out that there are others grieving as well. Contact your local hospice for more information on grief counseling.



 

Family and friends mean well but sometimes do not know how to treat you while you are grieving; here is a list of guidelines that you may want to share with them:


Guidelines for Friends and Family


Tears are the jewels of remembrance, sad but glistening with the beauty of the past.


Allow the person to cry. Tears are healthy.


Children, allow your parents to cry and cry with them, you’ll all feel better.


Let the bereaved person talk about their loved one—you talk and say the name, too!


Don’t make small talk trying to cheer the person.


Don’t tell the bereaved to smile; they may not see anything to smile about.


Being bereaved is not a disease, and it’s not catching.


Bereaved persons need to be needed and need support.


Don’t give advice such as “sell the house, it’s too big for you.”


Don’t question every move or say you should do this or that.


Guidelines for Friends and Family


Call often, and ask if there is something you can do. (Be prepared for the request. Be available to listen often.)


When there is a birthday or anniversary of either the spouse or widowed, call and say you know it’s a difficult day, but you’re thinking of them. Ignoring the day only makes it worse.


Read about grief so you can better understand what the bereaved person is experiencing.


Don’t say “I know just how you feel.”


Don’t use platitudes like “life is for the living,” or “It’s God’s will.” It’s better to say nothing, or to simply say “I’m sorry” or “I care.”


Recognize that the bereaved may be angry; help them acknowledge their anger and express it in ways that are not hurtful to themselves or others.


Don’t say “It’s been four months, eight months, or one year, etc. You must be over it by now.” There is no timetable for grief.


Suggest exercise to help work off bottled tension and anger, to relax and aid sleep. Offer to join the bereaved in going for a walk, a swim or a sport.


Be aware of good nutrition and the lack of motivation to prepare food and ear well. Help in meal preparation, share a meal with the bereaved, or invite them out to eat.


Don’t avoid the bereaved. This adds to their loss.


Practice continuing acts of thoughtfulness to the bereaved. Take the initiative in calling them.




It Helps to Have Friends Who Will Listen……


“When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.


When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.


When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.


Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do—just hear me.


It Helps to Have Friends Who Will Listen……


Advice is cheap; twenty cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.


And I can do for myself. I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.


When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.


But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about this business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.


And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.


Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people—because God is mute and doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.


He just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.


So please listen and just hear me.


And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn—and I’ll listen to you.”


-         Author Unknown



Journaling


Many people find journaling to be a therapeutic outlet while they are grieving; as they can write down how they are feeling, and not have their feelings judged or are given advice from others. Below are some ideas to get you started journaling.


  • My favorite memory is….
  • I will miss_________ the most….
  • I wish I had…..
  • I will honor and remember you by………
  • I’m sorry that………..
  • I’m angry that…………
  • Since you’ve been gone…………
  • I wish I had asked you………


Some people are not comfortable journaling and prefer talking out loud to their loved one- in the car, at the cemetery, to their loved one’s picture.

Suggested Reading Materials

 

Anticipatory Grief:

  • The Four Things that Matter Most By Ira Byock

 

General:

  • How We Grieve. By Thomas Attig
  • Heaven is for Real. By Todd Burpo
  • Loving Grief. By Paul Bennett
  • Don't Take My Grief Away. By Doug Manning
  • Safe Passage. By Molly Fumia
  • Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief.
  • By Martha Whitmore Hickman
  • Grief, Dying and Death. By Therese A. Rande
  • Living When a Loved One Has Died. By Earl Grollman
  • The Grieving Time. By Anne M. Brooks
  • The Mourning Handbook. By Helen Fitzgerald
  • On Grief and Grieiving. By Elizabeth Kubler -Ross and David Kessler
  • The Grieving Time. By Anne M. Brooks


The Loss of a Spouse/ Significant Other:

  • When a Lifemate Dies. By Susan Heinlein
  • Suddenly Single. By Jim Smoke
  • I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can. By Linda Feinberg
  • The Widower. By Jane Burgess Kohn & Willard K. Kohn
  • Being a Widow. By. Linda Caine
  • A Look in the Mirror- A Handbook for Widowers. By Edward Ames.

 


Loss of a Parent:

 


Children’s Grief:

  • Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids) By Michaelene Mundy
  • Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies By Janis Silverman
  • When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death. By Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown.
  • Where Do Balloons Go?: An Uplifting Mystery. By Jamie Lee Curtis
  • The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. By Leo Buscaglia, Ph.D.
  • Lifetimes
  • A Taste of Blackberries. By Doris Buchanan Smith
  • The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. By Judith Viorst
  • What’s Heaven. By Maria Shriver

 

Adolescent’s Grief


Children/ Adolescent Movies:

  • Disney Movies: The Lion King, Up, Bambi, 
  • Charlotte’s Web, My Girl


http://www.griefshare.org/

Support Groups

The website lists GriefShare support groups that meet in Rock Hill and the surrounding area.

On the GriefShare website, you can search programs in your zip code. Search FIND A GROUP at the top and enter your zip code.

These are the local churches who offer the program in Rock Hill, SC, Fort Mill, and York.

First ARP Church

Westminster Church (PCA)

Hope Fellowship Church 

First Baptist Church

Resurrection Anglican Church

Hopewell Presbyterian Church (PCA)

Woodhaven Baptist Church 

Lakewood Baptist Church 

Fort Mill Church of God

Bethesda Presbyterian Church 

Restoration Church of the Carolinas (Fort Mill,SC) 

Pleasant Valley Baptist Church (Indian Land, SC)

First Presbyterian of York

Also, several opportunities exist in Charlotte, NC, Clover, SC and Lake Wylie, SC. Articles

There are many articles on the website that contain tips and resources to help you navigate the loss of loved one.

https://www.centerforloss.com/

The Center for Loss & Life Transition, led by death educator and grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt, is dedicated to helping people who are grieving and those who care for them.

Articles

The website offers many helpful resources, including books and articles.


 

 

https://www.hospicecommunitycare.org/grief-support

Support Services

Bereavement & Grief Support Services available through Hospice & Community Care include a weekly grief support group, workshops, children’s services, and a children’s gallery.

Articles

On the website there are also articles available for adults as well as children and teens.

Woodland United Methodist Church

801 Cherry Road, Rock Hill, SC 29730

803) 328-1842

Dementia Support Group - 2nd Monday of each month, 10:00 a.m.

Respite Care Program for individuals living with dementia and Alzheimer’s

Mondays or Fridays, 10:00 a.m.-1:50 p.m.

Cost is $40.00 per day, and lunch is provided on space availability.

Monthly Worship- dementia-friendly workshop experience

Last Wednesday of month at 1:30-2:00 p.m.

Town Square Fort Mill

368 Fort Mill Parkway, Suite 106, Fort Mill, SC 29715

(803) 591-9898 townsquare.net

Adult Day Care: A model of care that uses unique settings to facilitate engaging activities for seniors experiencing the normal effects of aging as well as activities specifically focused for those living with Alzheimer’s and dementia

adultenrichmentcenters.org

Adult day centers, which provide support for individuals and families, are available in

Fort Mill and York, SC as well as in surrounding communities

Books

Alzheimer’s and Dementia

Howell, Carol. (2013). Let’s Talk Dementia: A Caregiver’s Guide. Amazon.

The author, a Certified Dementia Practitioner and caregiver to her mother, helps to educate the reader on the various forms of dementia. She also provides hands-on tips that make life easier for the caregiver and better for the loved one with dementia.

Mast, Dr. Benjamin. (2014). Second Forgetting: Remembering the Power of the Gospel

During Alzheimer’s Disease. Zonderman.

This book provides helpful information from a pastor’s perspective: up-to-date answers to common questions about the disease and its effect on personal identity and faith; personal stories of those affected and the loved ones who care for them and what their experiences were like—where they found hope and how they most needed support; and practical suggestions for how the church can support families and those struggling or hurting.

Cancer

Haugk, Kenneth C. (2017). Cancer Now What? Taking Action, Finding Hope, and

Navigating the Journey Ahead. Stephen Ministries St. Louis. http:// www.stephenministries.org

Written for those with cancer and their loved ones, this book provides useful information and practical ideas for dealing with a wide range of medical, emotional, relational, and spiritual challenges that cancer brings.

Death of a Child

Apple, Dennis L. (2008). Life after the Death of My Son: What I’m Learning. Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

The author offers hope to bereaved parents as they face the realization that their lives, and the lives of the entire family, have been changed forever as they struggle to find a new normal.

Scott, Hallie. (2021). Hope Beyond an Empty Cradle: The Journey Toward Healing After

Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Child Loss. Zondervan.

A marriage and family therapist gently guides readers through a journey of healing and offers guidance, insight, comfort, and hope.

 


 

Death of a Spouse

Lewis, C. S. (2015). A Grief Observed. HarperOne.

The author writes about the devastating process of losing his wife to cancer. Lewis discusses how pain and hardship can lead to wisdom and spiritual growth.

Zonnebelt-Smeenge, Susan & De Vries, Robert. (2019). Getting to the Other Side of

Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse. Baker Books.

The authors, a clinical psychologist and a pastor, draw on personal experiences, psychological insights, and biblical observations to offer wisdom, care, and comfort to those grieving the death of a spouse.

Divorce

Grissom, Steve and Leonard, Kathy. (2005). Divorce, Care: Hope, Help, and Healing

During and After Your Divorce. Thomas Nelson.

This 365-day devotional, contains encouraging and inspirational messages from wellknown Christian leaders and psychologists that can help to transform deep loss into meaningful growth with God.

The Dying Process

Karnes, Barbara. (2008). Gone from My Sight: The Dying Experience. Barbara Barnes Publishing.

This book, written by a nurse, explains the process of dying in a simple, direct way that reduces fear and helps people understand dying, whether their own or someone else’s.

Forgiveness

Thompson, Anthony, Rev. & George, Denise. (2019). Called to Forgive: The Charleston

Church Shooting, a Victim’s Husband, and the Path to Healing and Peace. Bethany

House Publishers.

This book is the account of Reverend Anthony's wife's murder, the grief he experienced, and how and why he made the radical choice to forgive the killer. Anthony teaches us what forgiveness can and should look like in our personal lives, communities, and nation. He shares how true biblical love and mercy differ from the way these ideas are reflected in our culture.

Healing After Loss

Noel, Brook & Blair, Pamela D. (2008). I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving,

Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One (A Compassionate Grief Recovery Book). Sourcebooks.

A helpful grief book to read when you're ready to start healing after the loss of a loved one, this trusted guide offers the compassion and clarity you need when grief is sudden, raw, and overwhelming.

Sitter, Jerry L. (2021). A Grace Disguised Revised and Expanded: How the Soul Grows through Loss. Zondervan.

The author lost his mother, wife, and daughter in a tragic car accident. Writing with vulnerability and honesty he shows that new life is possible--one marked by spiritual depth, joy, compassion, and a deeper appreciation of simple and ordinary gifts.

Zonnebelt-Smeenge & De Vries, Robert C. (2001). The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on

Holidays and Special Occasions. Baker Books.

The authors share a comforting blend of emotional support, spiritual guidance, and personal experience to help readers honor their loved one on important days.

The Journey through Grief

Haugk, Kenneth C. (2004). Journeying through Grief. Stephen Ministries St. Louis.

Stephen Ministries St. Louis. http://www.stephenministries.org

A series of four short books on the topics of A Time to Grieve, Experiencing Grief, Finding Hope and Healing, and Remembering and Rebuilding.

Hodges IV, Samuel J. & Leonard, Kathy. (2011). Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey Through Loss. Baker Books.

This book is filled with short, gospel-centered chapters that address the issues grieving people face but often hesitate to mention to others, such as feeling alone, adjusting to a new reality, dealing with insensitive comforters, forgiving those responsible for the death, and feeling anger toward God.

Jose, Stephanie. (2016). Processing Through Grief: Guided Exercises to Understand

Your Emotions and Recover from Loss. Callisto.

Written by an expressive arts therapist and mental health counselor, this book answers questions often asked about the experience of loss and illustrates how personal and unique each person's experience is with loss.

Kessler, David. (2020). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Scribner.

In this groundbreaking book, the author journeys beyond the classic five stages of grief to discover a sixth stage—meaning.

Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth, M. D. and Kessler, David. (2005). On Grief and Grieving:


 

Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.

The author, who first explored the now classic five stages of grief, and her colleague apply these stages to the grieving process and weave together theory, inspiration, and practical advice, including sections on sadness, hauntings, dreams, isolation, and healing.

O’Connor, Mary-Frances. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How

We Learn Through Love and Loss. HarperOne.

The author, a grief expert and neuroscientist, shares discoveries about what happens in our brain when we grieve and provides a new way to understand love, loss, and learning.

Wright, H. Norman. (2004). Experiencing Grief. B & H Books.

This brief but powerful book helps to lead readers out of their grief experience through five stages. At the end of the journey is peace and a seasoned, more mature faith.

Wolfelt, Alan. (2007). The Wilderness of Grief: Finding Your Way (Understanding Your Grief). Center for Loss & Life Transition. http://www.centerforloss,com/

This book takes an inspirational approach to the author’s 10-touchstone method of grief therapy by presenting the idea of wilderness as a sustained metaphor for grief and likening the death of a loved one to the experience of being wrenched from normal life and dropped down in the middle of nowhere. People are initially overwhelmed but begin to climb up out of despair. The touchstones for each of the 10 steps are described in short chapters.

Life’s Losses

Wright, H. Norman. (2006). Recovering from Losses in Life. Revell.

Life’s losses include life-changing and more subtle events such as leaving home, the effects of natural disasters or war, the death of a loved one, divorce, changing jobs, moving, or a broken friendship. Certified trauma expert and best-selling author H. Norman Wright shows you how to work through loss and come out a stronger person on the other side. 

Prayer and Support

Dunn, Bill & Leonard, Kathy. (2021). Through a Season of Grief: 365 Devotions for Your

Journey from Mourning to Joy. Thomas Nelson.

A devotional designed to support and uplift you in the first, most difficult year of bereavement. 

Gugel, John R. & Ushe, Janine L. (2004). Cries of Faith, Songs of Hope: Prayers for the

Times of Our Life. Stephen Ministries. http://www.stephenministries.org

Prayers, stories, Scripture passages, and hymns provide wisdom, encouragement, and comfort for the trials and joys of life.

Haugk, Kenneth C. (2004). Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart: How to Relate to Those

Who Are Suffering. Stephen Ministries St. Louis. http://www.stephenministries.org An easy-to-read paperback book filled with examples and practical advice.

Hickman, Martha. (1994). Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief. William Morrow Paperbacks.

This classic guide for dealing with grief and loss contains day-by-day reflections to find solace in our own lives and comfort in the connection of sharing these meditations with others.

Marshman, Megan Fate. (2024). Relaxed: Walking with the One Who Is Not Worried about a Thing. Zondervan Books.

The author, a pastor and teacher, encourages us to call to let go of spiritual performance, reject our cultural tendency to live under pressure, and find freedom to walk with God and toward God, one gentle step at a time.

Person, Gretchen. (2001). Psalms for Healing: Praying with Those in Need. Fortress Press. 

Rev. Person has created a Psalter entirely from the Psalms, but culled in such a way as to retain only the most helpful verses.

Suicide

Hsu, Albert Y. (2017). Grieving a Suicide: A Loved One's Search for Comfort, Answers, and Hope. IVP.

The author addresses difficult questions and draws on resources of the Christian faith to offer comfort and hope for the future.